So you had something happen at the pride center? Yes. Okay, thank you. Uh, it started around thanksgiving. I'm gonna try to, i'm gonna try to speed run this thing. I told some sort of, i'm sorry i told some stupid joke, In the common area after a

Meeting.

There's lots of people there that are on like the asd spectrum. Uh, they have some flavor of neuro divergence. It's very common and especially in those that are in this non-binary category. I've been reading about it. It's really interesting. There's a lot of, like, I'm just trying to bring my voice up. Why not while i'm here, right? Um, There's a lot of really Don't try not to react because it throws me off.

I like, I like it. Okay. Um, i'm not like liking it.

Uh, there's a lot of really there's There's a lot of really needy people in these groups and they have really high sensitivity to certain things and they can't read. Cues. They can't recuse about themselves and about how they meld with, who they're supposed to be melding with. They're getting feedback from all these locations. The correlation between the non-binaries and the those on the asd spectrum. I have i i heard this news article about this how it was or read it online. There was a video of the guy explaining it. I'm like okay and i thought holy shit it's like 80 percent of the clientele price center and they all have it. Was like wow. So the conclusion was, if somebody has one of them you should totally have them evaluated for the other. Because the jury still out on which direction it goes. Anyway, I told this stupid joke in front of one member and they took it. Like, it was. Inappropriate. I have a colorful mouth in case you didn't know and it kind of just runs them up. And there was this, it was no worse than a very lame. That's what she said. Level joke. Turns out. I got complained. I got a complaint put in on me because That was viewed as sexual harassment. Do you want me to record this while i'm recording? Okay. Ah, but thank you. That's why i was like beep and then put it down.

Just because i want you to listen back to it. Thank

You. Okay, i appreciate it. I'll record it too. Please. Whenever i like, Have a pause in my speech, just kind of give me like a little Give me some specific like do something to my whatever to do something because some kind of just Freestyling right now.

That's okay. That's a good place and

I can kind of easily slip back down in that mode. When i'm like, when i'm on a phone with a customer, i can like keep myself up because i'm in, i'm on right? When i'm not on. Anyway. Uh, complaint was filed a serious one. And i got knocked down from facilitator and had to do all the sensitivity training did all this bullshit. I did tell a joke that was Okay. Yeah, that was like. There was a line there but it was really lame. Kid, the kid said. I don't want to talk about it doesn't matter. Point is later on, i went through all this rigmarole. I had no idea officially, who would who had complained And i was doing all my.

All what i can, i give a public apology? This was like February. And, Then i get into. I i get through all that and the the staff at the pride center, greenlight me for facilitating again and then i get in And, Go for my first meeting after doing all this, all this shit and no one, there was aware of what was going on.

It was. It was handled behind the scenes. Uh they didn't want to face to face. They remained anonymous and the pride center honored that i don't like fine. I did everything i had to do, i was trying to apologize to them. And whole group because yeah, i i get it.

I have a colorful mouth and i i i'm trying It's really great that you. Even if you didn't see the Um, maybe quite understand how someone be offended. The fact that you took responsibility for, like i give you a lot of credit, you know, thank you. Yeah. And i tried to Be like, yo, That was a, i was like, i wasn't telling a joke even about them.

It was literally i had to tell it because it's really stupid. There's a conversation going on about mattresses just casual and i was in the living room upstairs. Getting my stuff in my bag to leave. And i hear somebody Sitting on the, on a couch, say something to the effect of i can only, i can find them.

Wide enough. I can't find them long enough. And so i just need to find a longer one. And then i go boy, if i had a nickel for every time, i heard that, Yeah. Stupid. Yeah, but it's about me. You know, right right. My friends, if they had been an earshot they would have left because Right.

It's just a silly joke. Yeah, and it's personally. I said it because it's, you know, it close to home. I'm like half. Well, and i and i think. I do get you perspective. You're, you're sort of making fun of yourself. Yeah, someone else. Yes, exactly. 100 what literally explicitly Unequivocally, that was the intent.

However, when you have that challenge of, not really getting it, you hear it. But you don't get it. You hear a joke that was made about? Genitalia you don't hear a joke that was made about somebody's insecurity. That's the joke. The joke isn't the body, it's their insecurity, right?

Don't get that that's hard for some that's hard for a lot of people let alone someone with severe autism, right? Ah and so i nude i back on my i knew who it was. I knew it was but i didn't. Officially, no, thank you. I didn't officially know. Uh, that was good by the way.

I like that. Uh, But i know. So anyway, fast forward, the meeting. I'm facilitating. I start the meeting. I say, is anybody have any? Any comments, something they want to bring up. I have one. Press the room. Uh, The product center has recently released a Form that you can access videos gaming, a qr code.

There's poster. This form is designed to be able to submit a formal, complaint to the staff. If you have any issues, This form was created because last November, Samantha sexually harassed me. I didn't know she was facilitating tonight. I'm not comfortable right now and i'm going to leave. Get up.

They walk out. 35 people. We're just like, What just happened? And i'm like, You. Mother. Fucker.

I was that's painful mortified. I Couldn't, i couldn't think i was just, i was beyond. Delirious. Over. Just like what the Fuck, just happened to me. And, They left, they went upstairs. There was a crowd of people upstairs in the living room, just casually playing cards and stuff and they just went up there and fucking chilled.

I heard about it after the fact, from some trusted friends who witnessed this person come upstairs, they didn't know what was going on. They just saw them come upstairs in the living room, they weren't distressed. They just kind of casually came upstairs and played cards of people. And casually mentioned that they left the room because Samantha's down there.

And, They got sexually harassed by me. Like, And like, supercash about it, like Yo, are you for real right now? Like Unacceptable behavior of anybody, i don't care. How scorned you feel? Fuck you for thinking that that's okay. Right. Anyway. They kind of Almost they broke the state broke the circle of trust?

Yeah, the staff that, when i, when the staff found out about this, they had been over backwards for this person to make sure that they were. They felt comfortable with the process that had gone down. I had come forward with all this stuff and Then. They got sympathy. From their friends who had never heard some of them had behind the scenes knew what was going on because they were just chit chatting about it.

And then, Come to find out that one of the people that this person had confided in on this matter, was the lead facilitator who i had befriended. This. Fucking. Person. Leave facilitator. She had developed Inferior and i inferiority complex over me. Being way more successful as a facilitators in her.

She had been doing this for years at burnout last summer. I come along with all this energy I bring in a wave of people. Me literally, i'm not even, i'm, i know. I'm sounding, like, i'm like embellishing my own achievements here but literally, i brought planning, i brought energy and charisma.

I got people off their asses to do things. Join little side groups. I create i i expanded the whole time there. I got a third hour schedule, so they can just hang out like fucking board games. We had a frisbee circle every day. I was there for them. I, Fucking showed up.

Like mad. And made actual tangible changes. And then it felt and then it was just and then i was just bit betrayed by everyone. Who just burl like they i didn't have a chance to be heard. No one went. Wait. What? What happened? Nothing, it was just it would, all it was was just these.

Off to the side little conversations murmurings. I was mortified, i couldn't face them. I was I couldn't. And i had a whole community of people just vanish, Yeah. Under my feet i couldn't Fucking believe how? Wrong. The whole situation was. Thank god though. I This pride center staff, saved my life.

Because i was going to say what i'm hearing is like, this was like a safe place for you and now all of a sudden you feel like violated? Yes. Yeah, yeah. 100%. Yeah, yeah. And if it weren't for Eventually. The pride center staff swooping in and they didn't know the full story but they knew how to handle it.

They had a very qualified LMSw on their staff, that, that kind of She and the operations, executive, whatever. Got, on the phone with me and we're like, yo, oh my god, are you okay? Well, actually no, it didn't even go down like that. It was just like hey we just need to get your side of this because we're just now catching wind of this.

It was like the middle of the day. The next day i called the the director immediately. Yeah. Need to fucking told them and they had just got out of a staff meeting and they had not even heard. I'm so sorry and all of them. Had gone through all this shit.

Oh my god. It was the worst and So, I had to deal with. Losing friends, looking them in the eye. And explaining how betrayed i felt. Once we all we got, we got their the The next week. The executive director commandeered, the group meeting. And had a fucking sit down with everybody.

I was like big group of people And facilitators went downstairs. He was upstairs with them. After the fact, my ex-girlfriend was in there. And then she told me. We were together at the time. And by the way, good terms, i call her my ex we're not I know you make okay?

Yeah because we still keep in touch when we really need to be. So that's going to be a thing for a while. Um, Tell me, damn. They was a room full of people, most of them aren't there. At the time last week, we required say they didn't witness the event.

All they knew was that there was an incident. Okay, nobody had been really talking about it, except within a little tight little circles, it hadn't spread. So, Uh, Five minutes. Anyway, facilitator sleep downstairs, and we're just like we're, we're just like talking about it because we know what's going on upstairs.

But we had time because it was all, it was a Inter facilitator kind of leadership level problem that we were dealing with. Because the group it gotten so large. Originally, there's only like two of them. Who had just been showing up sitting in a chair, letting the conversation, go around the room and then they left for the night.

We had a downstairs activity, planned. We had an upstairs activity planned. There's a backyard. We like to keep a facilitator in every room so we always had. Yeah, fucking spreadsheet. We were an organization. We needed structure these adults. Who were in these positions of Not even leadership. They the only thing they were sanctioned to do.

Was be like the liaison and make sure that they are facilitating not like being a fucking therapist to these people. They had this job put on a pedestal And they. They internalized. The perception that they were leaders in the group as opposed to just mere people that would slap a badge on their chest at seven.

They were like a support group. Yes, like support staff. Yes. Um and It's a volunteer. Situation. Right. And Um, Did a good job. Thank you. I Uh, i'm balancing between you telling me something emotional versus no. I was actually kind of like oh she didn't say anything and i'm actually back up there so i guess i'm pretty good.

Um, And, I don't even remember where it was. I'm i i have gotten over the the part of that story where i was explaining the trauma. But thank god. They swooped in with empathy and a listening attitude because holy shit. There was a lot going on. And they had already been there.

Through that process, they knew they knew it, they knew it, they knew who it was it was that person who had been hiding behind their anonymity that they had. So graciously honored well and also knew how much you went above and beyond. Yeah. Sure. You did your part 100%.

So they were they were spawned too. They were pissed. Because they were there process and trust that they would then honor the other side of anonymity, right? They had put in some steps to make sure it was working, right? And this asshole just ruined it all. And what happens with this person now?

I don't know. I honestly don't know. Reach constantiality. Uh, That's like honestly, don't know. I i kind of stepped away from the parts center. I couldn't deal with it because it got worse. I, i kept finding out through conversations that it was a conspiratorial effort. Belief facilitator had been the the offender had confided in her about all this.

And she used this as an opportunity. She enabled. The kind of this kind of thing. I think i swear to god, they had a back and forth back on the two of them where she was just like, hey, i'm just gonna tell you when Samantha's facilitating. So, you can just not show up because otherwise, the pieces there.

We can do this. You just stay upstairs or a day for one day a month. It's like, so they had worked at a compromise and on paper. Fine. Right. This one particular day though. Uh it was kind of a last minute thing where i had to swap out with somebody and so they did they hadn't been informed.

And, It caught them off guard that. Okay. Fine, you have this hang up about me. Great. But you all you had to do was just be like, oh, what the hell? Yeah, we're just, yeah, just go upstairs and be like, yo, you told me what happened? No, it was an outburst.

It was a uncontrollable reaction to An event that they perceived as traumatic enough to react to in the moment. And they felt like they were threatened by me because they were enabled to think that what had actually happened was something that deserves this type of treatment. When in reality, They're mmm.

That s word. I hate it but god damn. It was snowflake. I hate i don't like the connotation that it has it has been co-opted by bigots. And i don't like that, you know the whole i don't give a fuck about your feelings crowd but yet when you tell them that you know yeah there's a trans woman in your bathroom.

Sorry hun. All your feelings are hurt. Oh, No, that crowd. Yeah and uh Oh, lord. I'm sorry. I no that's all right. I i think this was it's some this is it a safe place so yeah. Okay for you to share these things and i think they they impact you you know?

So i i want to kind of just zoom out from that specific story just a layer, the trauma of it, that type of scenario. I have, i have gotten over the whole. I have kind of made peace with the friends stuff. I i didn't, i made a lot of mistakes.

Or i had a lot of opportunities to do something better along the way. I'm trying that too, by the way. Uh, Speak that way. Uh, so i know that i didn't have a perfect run at being that role. I know i could have stepped back. I could have like breathed a little and just let the group, i kind of gel and just be a little bit more fluid.

I was pushy with my opinion about organization. Okay, what i saw was an opportunity but i what i got. From them. Was. No, your ideas aren't worth considering. Not just we don't want it now or no. We don't want we? That's very hard. We're not prepared or we don't have the bandwidth to take on that type of thing.

I got. Invalidation. From these people. And that really Sucks. Yeah. Because i i i'm right, i know i am. About what the what i saw as the need that group had a need. And it was ignoring it and it like it wasn't just like late to the party. It was like seeing it hearing it rejecting it.

Not just, Going. Oh shit. You're right. Can't though. Sorry. Please table that for when we have more capacity, we appreciate your effort, but honestly, we don't have the capacity. Holy shit. How hard would that be? All i got was wains too hard. We're a volunteer. This isn't mamy. I don't give a fuck.

They think you're the leader? Act like it or step down, it's not your fault. But it's the way of that's how it is and they wouldn't even like come to a consensus about defining what it meant to be. A facilitator in that group in the context of leadership. They were like, we're not leaders but yet they're the ones riding.

These really formal announcements every week, they're the ones like collecting everyone in there. Making the announcements actually guarding the cats. If i'm sorry, if you're gonna get up and heard one single cat, you are an owl leader. And if you don't like that, say, so That's the perception. I i don't like putting people on spot that way, but sometimes you got to slap them in the face with like that perception is reality, shit.

Hey, you just stepped on their reality. It's now something that we now don't have a choice but to deal with go out there and tell them. You over exerted, your Efforts to be perceived. Fucking own it and just see how it goes. I got. No, it sounds like nothing.

It sounds like you. First of all it sounds like yourself reflective and you're you're owning whatever your yeah opportunities were that. Yes. However i think you know you're also seeing that there is an issue and you were with ideas and like the word you said about being invalidated Um, i think that's probably the thing that you really I'm perceiving that you're struggling with, because This is a supposed to be a place where It's meant to support people in the community like and it got so bad, not bad.

Uh, The situation that we had to like, See for what it was and come up with a good solution for was really good. Voice was our size. Thank you. And, Trying to make it more like down right here. One little piece of feedback that so you go in and out of um, sometimes a little, too hyper nasal.

But otherwise, the pitch is so, like right here, like, where i'm going right now, that's the voice. Okay? Yeah, i can kind of float here for a minute. Yeah, that's all right. I mean, grease, the wheels here? And it kind of goes in and out like you're definitely like you're in that trying to stabilize it because you know am i emotions are really oh yes and that's why i'm giving you the feedback but honestly i want you i want you to feel like when you come here just this is just this is your time okay?

And your voice of course is our main goal but it's also important to i'm i'm i should have mentioned that i've been meaning to bring up your kind of proposal to shift to pivot away from explicit voice stuff and over to whatever you describe is your other fields. So i can't remember what diet's been diagnosed i think with ADHD.

So i work with people with ADHD too. Oh what a match made in heaven, huh? But it sounds like you have very good organizational skills which is great. Oh you pump the brakes lady? Don't get too excited. Yeah but sometimes you can be over organized so when you have ADHD i am over stimulated.

Yeah. Well anyway, so let's get back to. So i i'm trying to round out the thing that i want you to take away. I kind of want you to take away. You cans. If you do this with your hands, that kind of that kind of helps If you take away one thing from this, i want you to kind of hear me describe where i think my Trauma responses lied.

Uh, because i haven't yet, had a professional hear this. And you're like the first person i've ever tried to really bounce this off of besides reddit And facebook which at least nobody knows what they're doing there. I have had. A lot. I've had some time the last couple weeks.

To. Absorb lots of perspectives and that chat GPT thing. I've been using that a lot more. And, I keep journaling into it. And i keep pinging it for like, hey, what would a therapist say about this? It's a good starting point for like it lists out things like a therapist.

Might think you have this. Our therapist. Thank you might use these coping mechanisms that Could get over these things that you just described. It's, it's Fucking amazing tool. For those in between times when you can't get in front of a person, right? Because i was going to say and you don't want to use it and replace of it.

No and i'm and i i'm i have developed a really i think a really healthy relationship with it where i ask it for for, i prompt it for directions to go off and research because i can blab, all i want. This thing is really great for chewing on your language and organizing it and presenting it cleanly and be like oh if i hadn't been delirious just now, And someone had slapped me across the face.

I probably would have said all of this bullshit like this and i can read like really human speak about that includes. Phrases like maladaptive coping mechanisms and shit like that. I have a really trying to incorporate those things, a lot. Of like i've almost like, said fuck it. And i don't care if people are put off by it, i don't care anymore.

It's it's cathartic. The first people were just like, oh, ain't talking like that, like Like every chance i get i start talking about. Oh yeah, y'all, you two have a needs mismatch.

Worker and no. It's just like, holy shit. I'm starting to like see the light. Well, i think every reason why it's good for you is an especially with ADHD. Is it's funneling down your thoughts a little bit because, yes, you know, you're going to ping pong all over. No, as long as you don't use it as a replacement for an actual professional, but i, i do hear what you're saying.

It's helping you to sort of like, focus your thoughts a little bit and that's okay to use it that way. As long as you only use it in that way, not as a profession, i've gotten to this point where all of these problems are just There's so so much, it's so involuntary.

And even when they are stunning from like, Choices you've made in the past like literal like, Things that you sat down and decided between two things and then said, yeah, fuck it. I'm gonna make this one and it was. And then you realize that Whoops. Five years from now.

That you're so far removed from that choice, right? It's given me acceptance. Good. And, Do you feel like you have proper? Like access to counseling here. Because i i do clinician counseling to a degree but i'm not a counselor you know. And so i want to be straight with you on that.

I like you really want to make sure that you have You don't access to work through these things. So i, i love that you're kind of funneling those thoughts and feelings down, and kind of get being able to get a label to connect with it, but you do need to have someone that can give you.

I, you know, solid foundational, strategies and ways to work through these things. You know, and it's okay to crowd. I know i i i'm trying to just connect collect my thoughts first, try to get some words out.

You've been through a lot. Especially just in the month.

I mean, think about like you broke up with someone's significant and even though you ended on good terms, that's hard enough. And then you know this whole thing with the pride center, that's a lot because Yeah, that you know. Whether? Putting? Judgment aside. Perception is, you know, you felt falsely accused of something.

You, you know, i'm just taking your feelings into account and then you, you felt like you tried to take accountability and do what you needed to do. This is what i'm hearing. You say, do what you needed to do. And then, You kind of work back to that place that good place in that situation.

And then you had someone just Humiliate, you and Inappropriately. So that's a lot. Those are a lot of like Wounds, you know. Yeah. And it wasn't even like. It wasn't even like i had just gotten there and then some asshole likes heard something and i'm like, oh, Okay, i could have just been like oh you y'all are assholes, right?

No, i had i had i had Then put these people, this person in particular, They were even one of the more vocal ones in the group that contributed to Like the discourse. A lot and they needed this place for whatever their need was clearly. And it's i didn't save place.

I didn't know how to define that knee. Yeah, but i i could fucking see it. Like if you took that if you took the price center away from them, they that would ruin them. Right? Lots of people have that it's like, but like this particular demographic it's a it is a Monster attracted to this flame.

And, I was there and i didn't realize it had evolved into that type of flame. All right, when i showed up it was folks like me where i was just like chill you know? Just adults that needed some fucking respite from You know, the drudgeries of cis people.

I'm so grateful for what we have, Jenny. Honest to god, it feels good to say shit like this and you laugh. Um but no i've come full circle on it and to be honest so it's nice to You know, have space away from that world after this. I've been i've been taking stock and like what's happened after these things.

I mean, like, oh god, yeah, i was over, exerting myself in the end, like i zoom out. Yeah, i well, and i'll tell and i'm, i'm going to end. This is just a professional opinion. And, and i, i mean, it in a very respectful way, but like working at the VA and working with people while walks of life.

There are people that are in the lgbtq community that absolutely, you know, this? This. Is healthy. And You know, everybody's just living in their life and doing their thing. And and then we also do at least of the VA. We do see people where like you said, they're there's a mental health component that Is not necessarily consistent with the typical LGBTQ community.

Yeah. And so sometimes you are going to have those small. I mean like anything, just like you said in this community have like you're kind of one of the mill person but you know i'm saying, you have your run of the milk person, cis person, and you have their your person that's not, you know, in front of the mill.

And i think you gonna see that in any community that you have gender fluid is a phrase. You're probably looking for there. Gender non-conforming was a with one that came up. Was that what you're going at? No, no. I know i'm talking about, like, i think like, i guess what?

I'm trying to say, you're drawing a distinction between cis, people and those who are like, normally with them. But not quite, like what i'm talking about is In any community. And i'm just comparing sis versus short lgbtq, but we really are all one, right? Yeah, yeah. You're going to see.

Atypical behavior in people that have some mental health and unfortunately, sometimes like you're going to a place where you feel like This is a safe place. This is where i can feel comfortable. This is where people that you know, are You know, not very open-minded aren't going to come in here and make me feel like, you know, like it's and then to have to You know, deal with people that have these other things and like not treat you the way you'd expect to be treated.

I guess in that environment can be Um, Feel portraying. Yeah, i don't know if i worded what? I'm trying. No, you're no. You're validating my feelings, that's great. Yeah. Um, But i do want to like kind of round it out though. Um, So, They're all this shit that i've been dealing with and learning about And like, Just learning how to articulate a need for god's, you know, in a way that someone can be like Thank you for telling me because I can't date you.

Good lord. Oh, How powerful that tool is? Yeah. Jesus christ or being able to tell you something, to recognize someone else's and be like, i see you have that. I can't quite do that for you. I can do this, but I can be over here. For, in this capacity, here's how i can help, but i'm afraid i have this.

Limitation, we aren't going to be a good match. And so i'm on like dating apps now. Uh, one in particular because it the way it's structured is really conducive to just striking up random conversations with people really Grinder. You're probably familiar with it a little bit. Yeah. It's it was originally designed as a hookup site for gay men, but it's way more diverse now.

The only people not on. There are cis women, it's really weird. It's uncanny. It's uncanny literally. Every other demographic is on there. That's really even straight men And, you know, there are those men when they spell it s, t r. And then number eight. It's coat. There's some code.

There's code. Yeah, i'm straight. I don't know about all the code. Yeah. You pick it up now, i got it, but there's people on there that are really aggressive with their, with their sexuality. I'm not like that. I'm actually quite subdued and i'm like real real on there. Now i'm like, listen y'all, i'm not here for that.

If you want to have this kind of conversation, i got needs y'all. I'm on there like this. I'm i i'm open about it. Yeah, well and i i don't get details but like i'm like Using this kind of platform to like, Talk to people and like signal to the world that i'm actually here for some real conversation and people are on this app looking for that too.

And it's really wild like they come out of the woodwork. Like i can't believe there's someone like you who actually wants a real conversation too because i don't want sex either. Let's chat, and i'm like, Holy shit. And so, i think what you i'm hearing you say is you're starting to come to this like healthy connection to your feelings and what your needs are and what you want.

Yeah because i i want the other stuff too. I'm just now it's it's really the prioritization that's i think is the takeaway here, right? Is like, oh shit, yeah, i'm not. I'm not putting anything. I don't feel like it's on a back burner. It's just like now it's not like it's not so high on that to do the agenda of.

Hey, how you doing? My name is Samantha. It's like maybe fifth or sixth like And that meetings being real people who need to get who people who want to get to know me are going to need to be comfortable. Keeping your clothes on for a while because i need that time and that what i just said, I have been.

Massaging that sentence into something i can just spit out and the way i just raised, it is something i've recently become okay with And i'm just like, I know you want more. I do too just i need time. I think also you said, you know, you realizing like there's a history of trauma.

Uh-huh. And you're trying to work through that and get to a healthy place with it. I can't. Oh i wanted to address that just a little bit so you can have a more Meaningful context, just keep going though. But my point being and i think to have a healthy relationship with another person you do have do work through that trauma or you come back into a codependent relationship, right?

Yeah. And um, So my ex-girlfriend, she was codependent as hell. She's been dealing with that. And i and god bless her. She has been going through so much to work on that. She's going to codependence up. She's getting a sponsored like, oh my god, like the And that's what i was saying.

It's like, holy crap. I was some good souls soul searching, but like, what's really It's really bad though. It's like Yeah, her behavior. Enabled. My behavior. And we were like, literally like oil and water. A match to a flame kind of shit. It was not safe. It was dangerous because like i have Like in stressful relationship dynamics were, i'm not getting, i'm not able to like just Get my way because i'm comfortable getting my way in a particular way or communicate in a way that i think is going to be effective or persuade someone In our dynamic.

I am very used to a particular relationship. Dynamic that had goes a particular way. The successes i've had. Informed. Future behavior. And my protocol. Wait, so i and so i'm willing to me what you're saying, i so sorry. Lost man, so this is just generality. So all of my relationships leading up to recently have have i've developed habits and expect and not not like expectations per se, but like there's a playbook I don't know how to properly meant talk about that.

I just called the relationship playbook. I had one written for myself and what i expected from other people. And if i talk about these particular things or signal in this particular way, Might work out. Holy cow, was i wrong? About how successful that plan can be. Slash, there was a lot of missing stuff from that playbook because i wasn't prepared for all the other options out there.

And, I came to the table with a lot of expectations. And, Uh, I i maybe like kind of in specific ways too, like sexually. Because she came from a background that i'm not familiar with and she was familiar with mine a little bit. And she wanted that kind of stuff for herself, she want to be exposed to the long-term relationship, you know, they kind of person that's has the capacity to settle down with somebody.

A little bit sheer. I know that turns out i really and truly didn't have that capacity. And, Turns out. Manifested in her brain. As having been lied to. And i gave off an impression. Of like success in my ability to have gotten this far. And, All the while in her brain, that must mean that i had, all of my things worked out.

And i could, if i could get here and raise a seven year old, she didn't know any better. She didn't know any better. I like, if she had articulated, these thoughts to me early on that. This is, this was how she was building up her expectations of me and like what she was using and what i was signaling like.

Yeah, i can you might be able to witness me handle a tantrum from a child or spring into action when a kid gets a boo-boo. She marveled at that one time, she was like, holy shit. I didn't even hear her cry and you're just you bolted over there was amazing.

I was pretty proud of that moment, but She had built this up like i i, i presented myself. A little bit too strongly to her. And i did hide behind insecurities. I knew everything that later on. I wish she had known. I even knew at the time. I just really wasn't aware that like Oops, i didn't realize she couldn't see that.

I thought it was just kind of there. I had been properly hiding it. I have been not letting her know that there were literal challenges that i'm dealing with like debt. And my ex i haven't resolved pain with my dad. I haven't talked to him in like seven years.

And, Uh, i'm at the time i met my met, Aaron. My mom had been in, like, we don't accept you mode. And which eventually came around. But, you know, i was doing a lot of shit. So it was like, I was i had a facade. Yeah, my my ex-girlfriend fell in love with my facade.

And, Uh, that makes sense. And it was like maladaptive coping mechanism, too. Lots of things. I, i did not have control over. And it's a pattern. Every relationship i've ever had, including jobs. Has been affected by me. Being unable to figure out how to unfuck my situation. Because i failed up.

Make it failed. Well, you know, Whatever the hell, whatever the mentally healthy version of that sentiment is, i haven't quite been able to figure out But, It's a thing. Whatever that sensation. Of people thinking you're capable. You'll reasonably thinking you, man, let's give it a go. Like what are you gonna do?

Tell your boss, not to promote you. Like you know, like you might this i think another thing way that people say it it's like people always Rise to the level of their incompetence. And because, you know, you don't know any better. You get to that highest level and you're like, yes, i'm ready for the next challenge.

I'm gonna struggle for a bit. I always, they're everybody does because it's gonna be hard, there's learning curve, but then you don't, then you're like, oh shit. I'm not getting good vest enough for to meet people's needs. I what i hear is a lot of unresolved pain and like you said, you just put up walls to sort of.

Yeah, i i pretended like i got this. Yeah. I because i knew That i had had so much built up behind it. And i couldn't back it up with data. Besides like, I don't know. Trying to describe the situation as something i reasonably had no hope of getting over.

Even though i reasonably it's probably could have. I had just been, like, i need help. I can't do this. I accidentally over exerted myself. Please demote me. I'm sorry. So that i don't piss people off and maybe it doesn't have to be so bad. But yeah, we are in a situation that i need someone to help me deal with because i can't, Yeah.

And do you have somebody here to help you? What do you mean? Like do you feel like you're getting the help that you need? I don't feel. Um, tonight help or anything like that. I just this is all so new. Don't feel suicidal. Do you? No. Oh god. No.

No. I had no. You just feel overwhelmed. Yeah. If anything This here. Is. Is, in fact, A way that this kind of thing manifests.

I have a task to Line up my life for success.

It's in such disarray. I,

I can't even. Get out of bed in the morning, some days because There's just too much laundry in the way. I know telling myself that i can just get over it, but i'm working through. Having this be the way it is, you know, i had a meeting. Leslie. Upstairs.

Yeah. Was Lee Harris, you know her. Yep. I have mentioned that, uh, The time you and i have spent has been really profound for me. That. And what it's enabled me to think about, it's giving me an activity to do for foxy. And,

And you really damn good at it, too.

You have so much on your place, right? That kind of complement has come around too quickly for me. I don't want to not hear it, but i didn't expect to be good at it. I'm getting a lot of feedback from people on grinder. There's a feature where you can speak into it and people respond to me, they're like holy shit, you sound great.

And i'm like,

You are right now, it usually takes people a couple of years to get to, you know, so really yeah, yeah, you're doing great. You definitely. I mean, if we don't have time, too, but i'm definitely gonna be hearing this on the way home. You go in and out you go in and out of your I need control.

I'm developing regulation. And that It's so that's normal right now, to not have that and I'm not discouraged, you go in and out of like hibernasality and copper resonance. But since you put audibly since you, i'll play this back. Oh, this is great because i'm recording it. You queued me that i had been speaking in a particularly good way and i'll just play it back and i'll be like, okay i can kind of remember that i can try.

I can literally like take that chunk of time and separate it into a separate sound file. I can take the transcript. Even and you'll hear it when you listen and i can use what i'm talking about and your questions back to me, this whole conversation is just right with valuable things.

I'll even show you, i'll take this transcript, i'll play it back to you. Oh, whether I'll send you the link to what i can like get chat, GBT to spit back out of me. I'm telling you, you've got to use this thing. You people are afraid of it. People are well, That takes some learning, but i swear to god, if you just Think about like oh shit.

How many like moments have you like typed up a thing. And you you've had like prolonged discourse with somebody. You have your notes from there? That's like really fucking long. Are you going to do? Is just like maybe delete the name. Delete some bi take out you. You're familiar with this lingo.

Yeah. Take out all the PII. And then copy paste and be like, okay, this is like hour long. You can even take your transcript and your audible notes. Delete the pii. It's in your system. It's in your device, so it's safe. It's probably regulated by your IT department so it's already got it's it's about probably a special ipad.

They ordered for you to be honest, if i'm if i'm being honest, if a medical professional is touching it, it's probably loaded with special. From apple, they probably have a special deal with apple. But anyway, just to kind of put some water on that fire maybe. Get an app on here.

I swear to god Janie. This is really changed my life. A way for you to transcribe your sessions with your patience and you can load it into a software like like that and have it just summarize everything into notes that you can like start with. And then be like, wow, this saved me.

45 goddamn minutes and because i can do i need to give you an example because it's it's uncanny. I can search really quick for it. I'm just going to keep talking while i do. Well, as far as your while you're looking as far as your voice, Like i said, you're light years ahead of where we would expect you to be and you really are just in that like modification almost moving into that stabilization phase.

So you really lean ahead but it's just about really stabilizing because you You go in and out of sort of pitch and you go in and out of the, the real, the sweet spot of residents but you're doing really well, thank you. Yeah. Um, yeah, yeah. So i'm i, i'm contemplating Some ways i can think about saying regulated.

Is a good voice and Um, What's really? Um, Yeah, just like Moments where i just have to vent for a minute. By the way, just like, thank you for letting me event because i feel really good right now. Um, and i also want to tell you in this is from at adhd perspective and you're feeling overwhelmed and you haven't had a lot going on.

We talk about chunking. Focus on one thing at a time, so like it's the laundry that's making you depressed, because you feel like, oh, gosh, i can't even get it. Just do some laundry and don't worry about all the other stuff. But that doing that one little thing. Is a step forward because when you look at the whole picture, it's too overwhelming, right?

Yeah. And you really have had. A lot emotionally happen in the last month. I was talking fruit flies in my thing. Now, Yeah, so just one thing, i feel gross. Yeah, but so just one thing at a time today. Do two, loads of laundry. And you're going to be like, all right, one step closer, tomorrow deal with the sink one.

You know what i mean? And one thing at a time, It's one step forward. Right. Yeah. And those physical things are going to help you feel better. And then the emotional piece, you really do want to connect with, you know, your behavioral health counselors. You've had a lot. I mean, those were like, hurtful things that you've just been through and you don't, You don't want to make the same mistake that you did before and just put the wall up and say you're okay, i'm not okay, yeah, i'm okay enough to get through my work day.

And that, which is good. And that sometimes isn't enough because i'm struggling with. Managing my bandwidth. Allocation. I, I'm not very. Like i'm keeping up with my Adderall. I'm keeping up with my hrt. I, I have a very stressful job. And, This week, i had a breakthrough with Dealing with my My boss.

Happened today, in fact. I don't know how much time you have. I can share what happened. It's really awesome thing that happened today. Five more minutes. Okay, so we have this oddball contract. It's a wood shop. Where we make furniture? My boss, my boss accepted this oddball contract, whereas this material supply company.

Um, they have all these big insulating panels, you know, you see a construction job site, you see these big thick panels, they're different than regular panels, but you, you put drywall. The pink cotton candy shit. And then you put Or sheetrock cotton candy. The drywall. Now it's all one big panel.

It's all comes together and the styrofoam thing we're cutting it, each panel is enormous, they're about 100 pounds each, it's huge job and the the truck that delivers them It can't get down to our shop. So we have to shlip it down this hill. And, and oh my god, it's it's like 70 of these fucking things on a big butt bed trailer.

And we had to lift them. All off with our bare hands is one time, and we've been lifting and lugging and hurting our bodies. I've been physically trained for Weeks and begging, Matt. Can we rent a forklift, please? I know it's awkward and i know it might be expensive, but please consider the fact that I know we're late.

But do you want to be later? Like, hey yo, look at me. I didn't sign up for this job to lift 100 pounds every 10 minutes, like this is not what i signed up for and, you know it, so please Kenya. And he's like, just been resistant, but today.

I said, Fuck him. He's overwhelmed. I don't care what pushback, he gives me. I'm gonna hook us up with a forklift. And i've been researching stuff. And i haven't been able to find anything, that's some everything i've been finding is actually been a little bit too expensive turns out.

I'm like, oh god, i really I can't testify that it's short notice, too, because i'm finally down to the wire, we had the delivery today. This morning, i'm down to the wire. I got no options, like, fuck. I get to work today. A lot next to us. There's this big forklift sitting there that the company next to us has been using and it's one of those ones.

That's huge too. It's got this big arm that goes up, like that they can reach like maybe 30 feet up and then bring something down. I was like 900 pounds, like that thing would solve our problem like that. I call the number on the side of the thing. It's the company.

I say, who's renting your truck? Can i have his number? Oh yeah, his name is zach, there's his number. Hey Zach. I was called right like this. I'm like, hey, i need help. You don't know me. But, I'm hoping i can make what i'm about to request with, for you worth your while because you're the one that can help me write this moment.

And i say that forklift that you guys have would solve my problem very instantly. I was wondering, can i kick you a hundred bucks or so? To lift some stuff off a truck and down to our shop. And he goes, oh yeah, you're right outside if your truck here.

I'm like, yeah. He comes right out. He goes oh yeah, give me a minute. They're probably done by. Now, we would have been there until like eight o'clock, unloading this truck bed. So, what is your boss going to say that? He okay? He was freaking out this morning. He i could see it when the truck arrived, the pile was higher than last time.

Even they had stacked it in a really awkward way that they thought we had a forklift. They they their company that like bands, these things together and these huge piles that are like 600 pounds. Each roughly that are banded together. We can unban them and take one at a time if we want to which is what we did.

The problem was that the way they actually stacked them on there. It was literally life-threatening nearly dangerous for us to do it without equipment. And we had no time to gripe about that fact. It was either. Risk. Our lives. Literally, just trying to be like, Or just be like, Thank god.

Samantha pig helped us up with a forklift. Because i could see it in his eyes and my coworker Reyna. I don't think he wanted to admit it because he's been giving me a lot of shit about this. Or a lot of like, push. Not push back, but like, Not willing to admit that.

I'm right because he can't afford this. He was so stressed out. It's a small business. He's got no hardly any money and no money's coming in. And then, but like, but he needs this project to be successful and i'm like, yo, i need it too. Yo, so can we like fucking work together and buying the smart solution that guy's gonna hook us up?

I'm gonna go get them. He comes right over hard hat and everything he works for a salvage company. So he's got this biggest forklift that they use to like pick heavy shit up and put it in a dumpster and it's instance solution. He he got it down there lined it up and he's like, yeah, just give me a minute.

Where do you want to right there? So does your boss, love you net right now? I haven't talked to him but i could tell on the face on his face. He was like, oh my god. This is so much better because he's seeing the piles, just like it laid at his feet just like oh my god.

This is so nice. I can't believe. Because it's salvaged the day he he wouldn't have had a day. He gained back a day of labor that he can actually put to productive use and think he can think clearly. Now he was like relieved good. He got some Whatever that's called catharsis.

Yeah. Is there a catharsis means you, when you Release something. Something out. You work through it issue. Yeah. Okay. Well maybe the maybe what that is is his acceptance of like okay, yeah, we just need to fucking say yes to solutions like this because Sometimes to get the, yes.

You gotta just, To eat a couple of bucks, especially him, he's like he's hurting, he's playing in the big leagues. Now, he's he's working with a big league company. They have all these like, big league, expectations and i'm like, yo, you gotta pretend like you're big, right? You gotta at least start making right?

If you got us, if you need a solution, you at least got a bribe, somebody right? Right? What you did, right? Whatever the whatever like the you finagle whatever i haggles in finagle. I ask favor that i wish to return and i want to make it worth his while i have a need.

I want to help me a need of his We have an urgent need even and it's like, hey, i get it. I'm putting you out. I'm only gonna need you for like an hour and he says, yeah, i can get that in an hour and oh my god, i felt so.

Good. Because, Arena was like, you're a lifesaver. Oh, good. How how did you do this? This is amazing. Good. And, Yeah and see. So that's that's see. There's there's some and it totally like uplifting. It was the perk. It came at the perfect time at the end of the week where i'm like, with the people that this is now gonna help.

A little bit because now they don't have to think about like They don't have to go through the weekend. Having remembered how shit there friday was. They're friday, just got great. Yeah. And, Ah, That feels good. Good good. You needed that? I did. All right. So you're gonna connect with your counselor?

Yes. I want to be able to Really talk to somebody about that and work through some of those things. From a speech perspective, you doing fabulous. So, we're gonna jump ahead. And work on a little bit of that. Um, Where you're doing a little bit more of that, the squeeze, you know, what, sort of that pharyngeal hypopherential area But i want what i want you to focus on.

When you do, your practicing is Start to see how you regulating between, like the resonance where that good solid resident quality where you're equal, you know, you're a little more orally and not too hypername. So, Um but otherwise you you're pretty good. You just if you're stabilizing you're stabilizing.

Yeah. Oh my god it's just been It's meant that. Some people sometimes have worked on this for years and they're not where you are. So oh you meant just generally. No, you're doing great. I yeah i'm barely need me. You really understand. No, it's true. You understand. I think you understand sound really well, and you've been able to make that i was literally just talking to my about this, you've been able to make that mind body connection.

And that's really the key. Once you can make that connection, you have a control. It was just talking to Aaron about this. The other day. I was like, damn, i, i feel like i'm literally thinking differently when i talk like this, like, i don't have these thoughts. Really when i'm like, Speaking my own way.

I don't get into these mindsets when i'm actively trying to think and hear myself like this. Because it's like, It's, it's It's stimulating the mindfulness part of my brain good. It's really weird. Yeah because it's an accident. It's like it's like, wow, i'm i'm having to be Kind of like mechanically mindful of like something physical going on but it's still the same.

Like thinking where it's just like a mindfulness. If you do this, then this happens. And i'm like if if somewhat and then it's it's bigger than that too. Where i it extends out to other people where part of this is ensuring that other people perceive me, right? So i have to kind of like, put myself in their shoes a little bit.

So, By the sheer nature of having this. Like a check in the box. Now it's literally enabled a way of thinking that. I wasn't prepared for that's so interesting. Right. I'm not crazy, right? Like that's it's creating the neural pathways through like empathy. Even though it's i'm not like i'm not worried about like whether they're happy or sad, i'm worried about whether they Create a certain perception which that in and of itself.

Can be useful because if i want them to be, if i want to be perceived as somebody that Someone can make someone else happy then that's just you know one more use case. That's one more use case of being open and honest and It's just Well, you're like i said, you really are making that mind-body connection.

We're just, we're literally almost tweaking at this point which is amazing. Um, And like i said, that a little bit of hypernasiality it starts. To. Not give you that like really good, full resonance quality that you're looking for. Um, when you get into that zone, well, hopefully sounds great.

So Um, i guess i'll probably over. Oh jesus, i am over time. Oh god, my ex is going to be so mad. I, oops. All right, um, but no, but no all right. Two weeks is fine with me but i've shall be fine. Um, Is lunchtime. They're just eating lunch anyway.

I wanted to make sure before. I parted ways with you today that i just at least get this ball rolling and make sure i ask the right questions because There's all sorts of therapy. And through all these things, i keep having these flashbacks. So like all old relationships, And i am trying to, Manage.

That kind of thinking because i don't find it. I find utility in thinking about the past and being like, I can't help. Regretting decisions and trying to come up with. Like, i would as good as and shit is right. I'm trying to avoid that mindset and think of it, like, okay, what happened here?

What lesson can be learned. And that language, i need guidance on and i am trying to unlock my brain. Oh no, not yet. I don't need five more minutes. Sorry, take 10. Okay, hi. Oh, how much time does she have? 27 more minutes. Fantastic. Fantastic, i'm kidding. I'm so i what i would say is You're, you're being smart because you're having what we call self-reflective behavior.

So, that's a good thing. You're not like you said, you're not trying to just keep circling back to the same behavior. Yeah, being self-reflective and you're trying to course change. I think that's a question for you to have with your social worker as to like, what type of Lesley.

Yeah, say, look, this is what's happening. I'm trying to, you know, make course, correcting types of decisions. And, you know, and i, i think it's wonderful that you say, you know, you don't want to eradicate the past, you want to be able to back on and say, what can i learn from it?

How can i change things to be healthier fall forward? Um, and she probably would be able to guide you best on that. So i would definitely reach out. Okay. Yeah. Um, Oh, she never responded. I guess i don't need to get her starbucks. Um, from a speech i mean, honestly, i had a whole plan for for us to do it.

Now, i can't. I'm gonna save it for next time, but there's some exercises that i want to do. I also plan to share with you. And then i really do have to go I got this thing. From a colleague of mine. That. Now it's not. This is the whole entire, that's the word.

What the hell is that? But there's a lot of, it's a PowerPoint. Yeah, yeah. Um, i mean but do you have the power plant? I, yeah, i have i want i wanted to put this into a book for myself, but give me Give me the powerpoint. I can't i can't.

It's it's copyrighted, i can't share it. I can. But what i'm going to do is but what i'm going to do is there's some things in it that i want to go through it more first here. I want to get give to you so Can you give me that where you print several slides on one page?

What i can do is there's a bunch of gobbledy gook in it too. I'm going to try to narrow it down and then if there's, if there's a lot of text in there, Then that text copy paste into here. I've Promise you, i will bet you coffee downstairs. And, This is you will love this.

You won't. You won't just hear see this as like, a thanks for the help. You'll be like, oh, i know. Yeah, one thing you said. But anyway, i wanted you to know. I am gonna really go through this with a fine-tooth comb because i'm not familiar with this, this particular personal training.

So, um, i'm gonna try something. I want to, i'm gonna frame my mind around the feedback, you give me. Can you just state again? Clearly, you're the credential that you have so i can keep this in my brain. Besides the speech modification aspect of your relationship with me. Can you just again, just tell me what's that pitch?

You have for to pitch. To me the idea you want to pitch to me is what I meant. About how you want to interact with me as far as a provider. You mean with because you meant to mentioned ADHD. Yeah. Can you formalize that? Yes. So speech pathologists also work with people that have Cognitive linguistic, differences and disorders etc.

And so one of the things that so that encompasses a lot of things but One thing that we work on with people is there their ability to, you know, use functional cognitive skills in their daily life and and get the results that they're looking for. So sometimes with ADHD You don't always have behaviors, that will Facilitate you know, the lifestyle choices you want to make, because it kind of takes control.

So we work on coming up with compensatory what we call cognitive compensatory strategies. To just set up your life and yeah, you know, make things a little bit easier for you so you're on the Adderall. So that's good. But my job with you would be to You know, look at the various aspects of your life and what kind of strategies can we put in place?

So that you feel like you're meeting the goals that you want to meet great? Does that make sense? I love working with you. And every i i If you're i'm so grateful that you're able to be that, Help for me. Yeah, i want to make sure i'm keeping up my end of this, bargain with like, validating your help.

Um, And, Well you don't have to validate me i'm here for you. Well yeah still but knowing that knowing that you like it's that back and forth thing. How is a t-shirt? I know this stuff, i'm a tutor, i get it like people like the student doesn't care. If the teacher is happy that the student learns, but i, i know what that's like.

I wish this, i wish the students scared, you know, something do. I'm not saying they don't, I was a teacher. I i am able to be in a headspace. I know i'm not naive. But because i have a personal a little bit connection with you, too aside from the The professional anyway.

I don't i'm rambling. Well i'm gonna leave it up to you when you want to engage in starting to look at the ADHD ASAP. Okay? All right so then what we'll probably do is let's split our sessions moving forward, 50 50. Yeah, like the session itself or like so we'll have like an hour session.

We can either do one of them. Two things we can have like 30 minutes on voice and 30 minutes on 88 hd. How about you can do? How about one? How about this? Um, I i love, i love to say. You're doing that with your hands. Can we do that again for the foreseeable?

Maybe three or four sessions and then but focus more therapeutically on that adhd? Yes sure. I don't need a feminine voice. I want one. I don't need one. I need help with. Other things. This has been a boon to my just a boost to my confidence though. So that's been Really great that i've been able to just like all of a sudden latch onto something.

So positive and in a positive way and it's just been so fun and engaging and Getting really good feedback on and i just, just mind-blowing, as still not quite sunk in. I have a quite internalized it yet, but i hear what you're saying you prioritizing and you feel like you're priority is the ADHD.

100%, and, and trying to see where i can deal with some adaptive coping mechanisms for complex PTSD. That's even going to want to do more of a social work perhaps though. The adhd folds into it, where the stress of it all one enables the other. And i don't quite know how to fold that in.

Well also i'll tell you it's very common with people with ADHD is I think it has to do this fact, i don't know how to control my ADHD. Well and also it's a common thread. That often, not everyone, but some people with ADHD, or a lot of people with ADHD, they struggle with Um, Like negative feedback, like it hurts, kind of more than the average person.

So it would make sense to me that you would put up walls. I struggle with feedback. That's Just negative and has no concern for. How to like there's no the negat the negativity that i hate is that negativity that doesn't come with like an implication that there's space to you know do it right?

Yeah. And, Or at least acknowledgment that. Now's the opportunity to take the space if it's not. If the space is being offered, i need to at least feel that i can take it. Usually that second one isn't even there. So that's where I start freaking out and i start feeling claustrophobic because well, i don't want to felt.

I mean, personally, i would have felt clashed a phobic but that whole thing that happened at the pride center of that. I i hear your pain. Yeah. It was the worst just because you know you saying, like i had to look so much through all the hoops and you try to do the right thing.

And then you'd really got slapped that next week when the director came down, somebody had to moderate the facilitators downstairs, because we read each other's throats. I start, i I called out the one for like not seeing this problem for what it was telling her that people people were complaining and withdrawing donated money.

Because they have heard about this, they were blaming the staff even for the mismanaged group. When no, it was the fact that this fucking person was enabled by the facilitators to just run them up with this bullshit. And i called her out on it. And i was calm, she started screaming at me, and then someone came down to, like, give us the talking pillow kind of atmosphere.

She's like, no. She liked it, the whole hand in front of our faces, just calm down. It's our turn. I was the last one. It's clearly. The situation was i was a victim. Yeah. Of slander. Yeah. And, And isn't it scary? How people can accuse you of things. And really it has no merit.

That that's the thing. That scares me the most. Yeah. And and in this arena. That hashtag me to kind of arena. I have i had like, i like, i have a scarlet letter on me. Yeah. And that kind of, that's supposed to be a safe environment. Yeah. Yeah. And so anyway i i had to look somewhat i had to look Who i thought was a very close friend.

In the eye. And, Tell her that she stabbed me in the back. Yeah, just because she didn't want to like organize a You know, a democratic vote. Over how to organize the group. I'm sorry. Anyway i i have gotten over it. I have found i found a new community.

I'm doing improv. Oh good. I'm speaking a lot, by the way like this like this i get i get like On stage. With this literally i love it and maybe you should stop by one day and just check out a show you doing. Uh schenectady. Okay? Be free. So well, i don't perform typically, but when i do perform, i want to go.

If you're going to perform, i don't want to go. I don't, i tend to i attend a class. Actually, and i have literally Taking these concepts from improv and we talk about it. After each little little round of games we're playing, we delve into some shit. We talk about like Hang ups that people have and like relationship dynamics and It's the language of improv.

I've been able to like mold it into my life before learning like the language of like proper mental health, and relationship dynamics. Because i'm like, i don't know how to describe this with real with normal people language, but i know that i'm blocking you, your offer, i am not yes, ending you, and that stings, because that happens to me on stage.

For instance, when someone tries to court me in the way that they liked Courtney, in the past, i was blocking their offer. And making them feel like they're scene partner wasn't engaged in the little scene. We were building even though at the end of it, this little scene we're doing right now.

This isn't really who we are. This is just who we're playing because we don't know each other yet. So we got to do something. It's a game. It's an improv game relationships is just improv, and oh my god. Around every turn has been like, wow, we just did this game where it was all about body language, where we had groups of pairs of people do, like, quick little scenes, one line at a time.

We would stop the scene and we'd be like, okay they haven't said anything yet. What do you what did y'all? What did what did y'all what do y'all think is going on? And we'd all just like ping pong what we think and everyone had their own fucking answer and we'd be like, all right, keep going.

A liner to be like stop. All right. Did y'all expect that? What did you expect them to say? Everybody has their own answers. Okay? Keep going. All right. How did you expect this to end? Because it clearly didn't go that way. And then they would finally be like, here's what i thought was going into it because even the performers have to withhold all of their sensory input.

Until the end because it's not obvious. Even with one line what they perceived, what they were intending to do with the line is probably six or seven lines into the future because they're forming what the scene is going to be. It's unconscious and that's one of those things where through improv you try to get rid of these anticipations for a scene to go a particular way and just adapt and live in the moment.

And welcome to life, right? Yeah. And celebrate the failure and, ah, and and just take what your partner's giving you and work with it. Make your part. Make your scene partner look good in front of the audience. Find the audience is us We are the audience. Very cool. It's, you're applying you're taking all these things and applying them to it's uncanny and, and it's really great because i need that kind of In between coming here to like an actual professional.

Like, i've been in some moments the last couple weeks where i'm literally like people have been like yo, have you considered inpatient yet? Because damn, you're hurting. Yeah, and like when i hear people say that i can't shake that. Jesus christ. What am i? What else am i not seeing when all of my?